Trippier's Fury as Gordon Runs Amok Against Hapless Qarabag

Ally McCoist was seething after just 15 minutes. The co-commentator's genuine fury at the Champions League spectacle unfolding in Baku was palpable – Newcastle had already struck twice, yet somehow contrived to squander three further sitters in the process.

When Anthony Gordon was presented with yet another gilt-edged opportunity only for goalkeeper Mateusz Kochalski to block with an outstretched leg, McCoist's exasperation reached new heights. "This could be anything," he muttered, a man staring into an abyss of his own making.

By the interval, you wondered whether the normally ebullient commentator would ever recover from the despair Qarabag had inflicted upon him.

Newcastle's 2,529-mile journey to the Azerbaijan capital yielded precisely what you'd expect: a demolition job that left everyone asking uncomfortable questions. Eddie Howe's side swatted their opponents aside with such clinical indifference that had this been a pre-season warm-up, the Magpies would've been thoroughly disgruntled by the lack of opposition. Some Newcastle players will board the flight home wondering if they've ever faced a worse collective outfit in their professional lives. Qarabag were genuinely dreadful.

Chelsea's November draw with this lot should come with an apology. It was as though Newcastle had encountered a group who possessed the technical fundamentals – ball control, passing accuracy – yet had never actually competed in a football match. The concept of tracking runners proved baffling to them. The notion of pressing or executing simple one-twos seemed positively antithetical to their understanding of the game.

When Gordon was bundled over in the box and converted the resulting penalty for his fourth goal – yes, fourth – before the break, McCoist's disbelief was entirely justified. "This is unbelievable," he said, and he wasn't wrong. Gordon ought to have had six; Harvey Barnes could've claimed a hat-trick of his own.

The first three goals featured the sort of defensive negligence you occasionally witness at this level: a precise through ball from Dan Burn finished into the far corner by Gordon; a pinpoint Kieran Trippier cross headed home by Malick Thiaw; a penalty awarded for a handball that wasn't (par for the Champions League course, that one).

But the fourth and fifth efforts prompted serious questions. Steve McManaman's suggestion in the TNT Sports studio that a side somehow capable of defeating both Benfica and Copenhagen had been replaced by "a bunch of imposters" suddenly seemed rather prescient.

Gordon robbed Kevin Medina, rounded Kochalski, and poked home. He then pounced on another defensive howler before winning a second penalty, which he duly converted – much to Trippier's visible annoyance.

The captain's displeasure required no lip-reading expertise. Here was the Newcastle skipper having stern words with his hat-trick hero as a £65m striker – playing as a No.10, mind – sat idle with just one goal in thirteen appearances. Nick Woltemade, reportedly 'unhappy' according to German reports this week, appeared entirely unbothered. Gordon and Trippier required their teammates' intervention to keep them separated as they trudged off at half-time, despite Newcastle already scoring more Champions League goals in a single match than any previous Magpies XI in history.

Woltemade had performed respectably in that deeper role, despite seeing limited involvement during the opening stages. Having Gordon charging beyond him works when there's genuine quality in the final third. He'll rue not adding his name to the scoresheet, as will Anthony Elanga, who won't have relished being replaced by Jacob Murphy – who promptly finished Newcastle's sixth goal.

The second half petered out predictably. Qarabag, bless them, managed a consolation goal, but facing a five-goal deficit heading to St James' Park next week represents a mountain even their generous hosts cannot help them climb. Gordon will likely miss the return fixture, and Newcastle can now prepare for either Barcelona or Chelsea in mid-March after what may well rank among the most one-sided knockout encounters in the competition's entire history.