Salah's Penalty Drought: Conspiracy or Coincidence? Plus the Week's Daftest Headlines

The morning after one of those rare, genuinely brilliant football matches – the sort that reminds you why you bother with this game at all – and naturally the discourse has veered off into the weeds. We're talking Mo Salah conspiracies, a 'Man United icon's stunning daughter' in a 'skimpy outfit', and a truly cursed sentence involving Rupert Lowe, John Terry and Dennis Wise. Brilliant stuff, really.

Have Your Cake and Eat It Too

Ian Doyle's piece in the Liverpool Echo deserves a special mention here. The man spends his opening paragraphs quite reasonably dismantling the notion that every dodgy decision is part of some grand conspiracy – fair enough, nothing to argue with there. Officials make mistakes, he says. It's not a darker game afoot.

Then, having thoroughly established that penalty conspiracy chat is paranoid nonsense with no substance whatsoever, he pivots smoothly into... well, examining whether Salah has been getting a rough deal on penalties lately.

The setup is masterful: a penalty awarded to Salah gets overturned after VAR review – correctly, it seems, given that Brennan Johnson made a clean tackle – and this becomes the jumping-off point for asking whether the Egyptian has been mysteriously hard done by in the spot-kick department. All delivered with that classic 'I'm just asking questions here' energy that's become so tedious.

The conclusion attempts to have it both ways: no, it's not a conspiracy, and besides, Salah's won the Golden Boot twice since December 2021, plus the Premier League title, so it clearly hasn't worked anyway. Fair points, all of them. But then there's that parting shot: "And it would be somehow fitting if one of his final acts as a Reds player is to win a penalty." Just a little nudge to the tinfoil hat brigade on the way out.

The headline, naturally, plays into the whole thing: 'Mohamed Salah truth at Liverpool emerges as 'conspiracy' talk addressed'. The X-Files vibes are strong.

PSG 5-4 Bayern: Greatest Ever?

Daniel Orme in the Daily Mirror has gone absolutely giddy about last week's Champions League semi-final, declaring PSG's 5-4 victory over Bayern Munich the greatest Champions League game of all time. Is he right? Debatable. Was it absolutely brilliant to watch? Undeniably.

In a world that feels increasingly miserable, a bit of unbridled enthusiasm for attacking football beats the alternative every time. Kenny Cunningham waxing lyrical about a 0-0 bore-fest, or Wayne Rooney grumbling about defensive solidity when the world's most talented attacking players are on the pitch – no thanks.

However, there's one phrase that absolutely cannot stand. Describing Bayern's position heading into the second leg as "a puncher's chance" is, frankly, an abuse of the cliché. You'd never describe a 1-0 deficit as a puncher's chance, would you? Bayern aren't outmatched or outgunned here – they're two elite heavyweights trading blows. The odds are practically even across the betting markets. A puncher's chance is what Bayern had when they were 5-2 down. At 5-4, they're simply in a proper contest.

The Real Headlines

Which makes it all the more baffling that the Daily Star considers the biggest story in football right now to be: 'PHWOAR PHWOAR TWO! Man Utd icon's stunning daughter teases fans with skimpy outfit as she shows off figure'

This is running while the Premier League title race reaches fever pitch, the morning after one of the great Champions League nights, and on the day of Arsenal's own semi-final. Extraordinary editorial choices.

Small Print

The Sun manages a neat bit of technically-correct reporting with 'Chelsea flop who cost £53million 'put up for sale' just one year after highly-anticipated transfer move' – that's Christopher Nkunku, shipped out to Milan. Though we all know 'Milan flop' doesn't generate the same click-through rate, doesn't it?

Over at football.london, they've somehow turned 'footballer attends tennis tournament during scheduled time off' into 'Chelsea star Enzo Fernandez travels to Madrid after agreement with club'. The Madrid Open becomes a coded message about Real Madrid interest. Genius. Game, set, match.

The Mirror's '6 games that could decide Premier League title race between Man City and Arsenal' is a bit odd when there are only nine games left involving both sides anyway. Arsenal v Fulham or Man City v Brentford are just as capable of deciding things as the fixtures that made the cut. Why the artificial limit?

And finally, the most cursed sentence ever committed to the written word, courtesy of the Mirror: 'Former Chelsea and England defender John Terry commented on Rupert Lowe's post advocating for a ban on immigrants claiming benefits in the United Kingdom with Dennis Wise also offering his opinion'

That's quite enough internet for one day.