Kane's Ridiculous Quip Proves PSG and Bayern Need a Reality Check – And Arsenal Can Dream

Tuesday evening at the Parc des Princes delivered the sort of attacking masterclass that leaves pundits giddy and defenders wondering why they bothered turning up. Nine goals flew past Matvey Safonov and Manuel Neuer – the highest-scoring Champions League semi-final leg ever – and for a few hours, everyone convinced themselves they'd witnessed the tournament's destined winners.

Then the grown-ups entered the room.

Wayne Rooney didn't mince words about the defending, labelling it "immature" and "schoolboy". Clarence Seedorf, meanwhile, lamented that clean sheets were apparently no longer fashionable, questioning whether the goalkeepers had received the memo about the evening's attacking carnival. Safonov made two saves but shipped four; Neuer faced five on-target efforts and kept out precisely none.

Yet it was Harry Kane who delivered the line that perfectly encapsulated the whole ridiculous affair. With a straight face that would've impressed a poker professional, the Bayern striker declared: "even through there were nine goals, there was amazing defending."

Amazing. Defending. Nine goals.

Make of that what you will.

The attacking talent on display was genuinely extraordinary. Luis Diaz was sublime – winning the first penalty and finishing the last goal with Colombian elegance. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia and Desire Doue terrorised their markers, scoring and assisting twice apiece. Michael Olise sparkled. Ousmane Dembele glistened. The thesaurus had nowhere left to hide.

Kane himself contributed a penalty and operated deep, drawing praise from the same voices who'll criticise him come summer. His positioning allowed him to drift into midfield and thread perfect passes – the kind that led to Diaz's expertly-timed run and clinical finish.

The entertainment value was undeniable, though Jon Champion's observation that Bayern "are not content with the front four that they've got – they want Anthony Gordon as well!" prompted Alan Shearer's withering response: "he wouldn't get in this team." That exchange might've been the evening's most entertaining moment, coming as it did with Shearer briefly wearing his depressed Newcastle cap.

Joao Neves, all 5ft 9ins of him, somehow outjumped Dayot Upamecano – a full four inches taller – to score from a set-piece. Meanwhile, referee Sandro Scharer had his hands full, awarding two penalties that prompted Mark Clattenburg's expert analysis to be spectacularly undermined almost immediately. First, Clattenburg insisted one "should not be a penalty kick," only for Scharer to point to the spot for an undeniably soft offence. Then, as Clattenburg fretted over semi-automated offside checks potentially needing further verification, Scharer cleared Diaz's goal after a mercifully brief review.

Mikel Arteta has never managed a nine-goal match. Diego Simeone's Atletico Madrid, for all their defensive vulnerabilities, haven't produced anything this lopsidedly attack-minded under his tenure either. Wednesday's likely attritional 1-0 at the Metropolitano will feel like a palate cleanser after this unrealistic spectacle.

But here's the thing: if PSG and Bayern can defend like that, Arsenal – facing a Atletico side that actually knows how to tighten up – genuinely have a chance. The continental elite just proved that even the best can be exposed when defending goes missing. That's either terrifying or encouraging, depending on your perspective.