World Cup Circus Begins: Bellingham Under Fire While Mystics Promise Everything to Everyone

The tournament hasn't even started and the nonsense machine is already running at full throttle. Seven days until England's opening match, and the Great Bellingham Witch Hunt is well underway—though to be fair, that's hardly a shock given the precedent.

Tuchel's "Brutal Warning"

The Mirror has seized upon Thomas Tuchel's pre-tournament comments to Jude Bellingham with the kind of theatrical alarm usually reserved for actual emergencies. A "strong warning," they called it. A "brutal message," no less.

What did the England boss actually say? That his side can win matches without their Real Madrid midfielder. That Bellingham, despite being in "amazing form," cannot single-handedly win a World Cup. That Morgan Rogers and Eberechi Eze are also rather good footballers. Revolutionary stuff, truly.

The contrast is delicious: whilst Bellingham gets his knuckles rapped for the crime of existing and performing well, Harry Kane—the 79-goal striker and current Ballon d'Or favourite—is being fawned over for the "classy touch" of messaging Christian Eriksen. Sending a text to a long-time colleague after a health scare barely qualifies as noteworthy, yet here we are.

The Spurs Clearout

The Sun breathlessly reported Tottenham releasing eleven players, leading with Yves Bissouma—the "Europa League final star banished by Thomas Frank." His departure at contract's end is legitimate news, admittedly. The other ten? They've managed precisely one senior appearance between them. Matthew Craig's substitute outing in a 4-1 demolition of Leeds on the final day of 2022-23 remains the highlight reel.

The Psychic Circus

Then there's the Daily Star's contribution to serious World Cup analysis: a 39-year-old Brazilian mystic dubbed the "Living Nostradamus" who claims to have predicted Covid-19, Ukraine's invasion, and Queen Elizabeth II's death. The accuracy of these predictions remains conveniently unverified.

His World Cup forecast? Dominated by visions of red and orange. Which, as it happens, covers Spain, Portugal, Netherlands, Morocco, England, France, and Argentina—basically everyone who might plausibly win or has red somewhere on their kit. Germany's got a bit of red. Brazil's got an 'r'. The man's essentially predicted that the World Cup will be won by a team.

We've never been more certain that the tournament can't start soon enough.