England's Schizophrenic Performance: Simultaneously Disastrous and Destined for Glory

It takes a peculiar kind of performance to simultaneously inspire headlines declaring the sky is falling whilst others trumpet inevitable World Cup glory. Yet that's precisely what England's 4-2 triumph over Croatia has delivered—a masterclass in having your cake and eating it too, at least in the eyes of the watching media.

One outlet served up a litany of harsh individual ratings: a pair of 3s, a 4, with the narrative fixated squarely on the shortcomings despite what was arguably England's most entertaining World Cup victory over genuinely elite opposition in a generation. The glass-half-empty approach reached almost comical extremes, particularly when it came to the treatment of Anthony Gordon, who apparently deserved a kicking simply because the rater couldn't find fault with Jude Bellingham on this particular occasion.

The Bellingham Mind Games

Speaking of Bellingham, the attempts to find angles on an objectively stellar performance have been nothing short of creative. One red-top headline screamed that a pundit "completely changed my mind" about the young star—with the clear implication being a negative reassessment following his display against Croatia.

The actual quote came from Didi Hamann, but here's the rub: his reservations were about Bellingham's Dortmund days, whilst his change of heart came courtesy of the midfielder's first season at Real Madrid in 2023/24. That's considerably earlier than yesterday's match. The headline construction, however, left readers with the impression of a recent damascene conversion sparked by the Croatian encounter itself. Bellingham deserves better than this kind of editorial gymnastics, particularly when he's just put in a performance worth celebrating straightforwardly.

VAR's Imaginary Controversy

Then there was the matter of Croatia's second goal, which supposedly sparked "bewilderment" and featured a "bizarre optical illusion." The offside debate lasted approximately as long as it took VAR to confirm what was already obvious: the ball was played on. One England supporter quoted by the papers managed to explain the entire non-story in two sentences, displaying considerably more clarity than the two journalists required to construct it.

The "illusion" in question? Simply Ezri Konsa's leg being temporarily obscured by Ivan Perisic's body on the first replay. Which, as it turns out, is just how physics and light work—hardly the stuff of mystifying optical phenomena.

Unstoppable Weapons and Other Hyperbole

Not to be outdone by the pessimists, other outlets have taken the opportunity to crown England with an "unstoppable weapon" capable of delivering World Cup glory. This particular weapon, upon closer inspection, turns out to be the fairly unremarkable observation that England possesses several talented attacking players in both the starting eleven and on the bench.

It's a true enough assessment, mind you. But it's precisely the sort of headline that will age beautifully if England's attack somehow fails to steamroller opposition in future fixtures.

The Suitcase Saga

A final mention goes to coverage of Megan Pickford's wardrobe situation. Her suitcase went missing in transit—as luggage occasionally does—forcing her to improvise by wearing the same top she'd travelled in. Somehow this became tabloid fodder suggesting she'd spent the match improperly dressed. She was, for the record, fully clothed throughout proceedings in Dallas.

The Road Not Taken

And perhaps the most understated observation of the day: Thomas Tuchel is currently managing England at the World Cup, which represents quite a different timeline from one in which Alan Pardew had landed the job. No arguments there.